Visiting My Friends at The Mall

While I was visiting the outer region of Toledonaus, my friends had the great idea to go to the local mall and shop for shoes. I thought, "oh, basiltundra that new cell phone from Verizong is out." Gazappy, I really need a new phone. Although, the slip-on loafers that I am wearing are in need of replacement.

Maybe while we are there we can grab a bar stole and sip on several varieties of distilled liquors and hop and barely popsicles. Getting drunk before going to the mall always helps me deal with the donkey trough smell. Most lizards that arrive at a mall to engage in commerce, feed on the soles of the innocent, although innocence is subjective.

If I find one more porcupine I will throw laundry detergent into the water fountain and laugh historically at all the confused observers. In fact, after I buy that new rolex, shove it up my ass and return it, I really do need to check out that wonderful cellular phone from Verizon', that I do not need.

The television made me think that I need to buy something. Last night, it was a cell phone. Today, it was a hamburger and a coke. Come to think of it I have not had to make a buying decision since I got satellite television. Damn, I'm lucky.

For your next trip to the mall



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Happy Birthday - 7h1r7¥

Here is a story about turning 30, with a bottle of rum and a notion of HST.

7h3 07h3r $1Ð3 0ƒ 7h1r7¥

The times have faded. The morning that you wake and realize that you are old, only happens once in a lifetime. To some this day happens at 60, or 25, or never.

Today, I experienced the bite of old age. I went to my cube to accomplish. Based on the hives prerequisite, my role was to produce. The fact that my age had advanced did not factor into this role of production.

My assumption was flawed. Entering the hive at 7:40 am I was greeted by the busy streamers and balloons that said, “You have a birthday.”

“Dear fucking god,” I thought. If only I had emailed HR to alert them to an error in my personal record, I may have avoided this whole mess.

“Oh, you old fuck, don’t be so pessimistic,” were the lackluster words of encouragement that I repeated in my head to overcome the wave of predetermined sentiment that was soon to flow like the bellows of multi-blano.

“Oooooohh, someone has a birthday!”

(Fuck me, I hate that annoying bitch)

“Thank You.” I said

There goes that dude, and that one, all with kind words and birthday wishes. Maybe I should be less harsh. Many people have given the effort to wish me well. Wait a minute you filthy little swine. No one on this fuck pit of a harsh, skin-eating rock would give two fucks if it were not part of corporate monopoly.

Dammit, I have to get out of here. If I see one more fake-ass smile I may grab a hand full of thumb tacs and hang you from the wall.

Off to the liquor store I raced. Grabbed a bottle of the great Zaya rum and headed for home.

This booze is so fine it is like the purest white powder, but in a glass.

Later, after a few calls and the digital banner, I wonder why the hell punk rock is a genre that really has transitioned into pansy fuck. Personified by the idea that, “I have a cunt, I am a man, and I have a mohawk, and a duct tape wallet.”

When did punk become corporate fuck pop? Why do I have to be subjected to this shit?

Happy Birthday, you old fuck. In about 30 years you’ll be dead. Relish the last remaining years. Drink up! Alcohol destroys your liver. It is not a myth.

Grab that new seat on the bus that goes to your demise. Good luck, no fuck you, there is no luck.

Hunter Interview

Glowing Dinoflagellate: Watch the Beach Glow

The staff of Cook The Moon will be conducting research on glowing dinoflagellate on the Hatteras Island National Seashore in mid June. The phenomenon of glow-in-the-dark sand is something that intrigues us.

A simple google search reveals very little information on glowing sand or dinoflagellate. It is fascinating that something so interesting would have little presence on the web. So, it is my duty, as one who thirsts for knowledge, to travel great lengths and capture this great glowing sand on an array of media. Stay tuned for more pictures and a full report (provided that my assistant does not go into candy shock and drop the camera in the ocean,... again).

Marriott Pressured to Remove Adult Movies

In the news this week a few conservative groups including American Family Association have pressured Marriott International to stop offering access to pay-per-view adult content in their hotels. The AP broke the story which was picked up by a few media outlets including Yahoo Finance News.

Not to mention that the American Family Association appear to be a bunch of fanatical right-winged fundamentalists. I personally may need to remind them that America is the land of the free(at least in theory). Where every citizen has the right to watch filthy slut flix, practice any religion, and be gay.

Why Marriott? According to the source,"Marriott was told that stopping porn movies would be in keeping with the corporation's position of promoting the well-being of children and families." I would have to argue that late night porn sessions by consenting adults is in line with promoting families. Thousands of children have probably been conceived at Marriott hotels over the years, and if that is not in line with the well being of families, I do not know what is.

Also, the last time I checked, pay-per-view adult movies were shielded from children with several layers of access codes and engagement approvals before any soft-core porn could be viewed. Is that not to protect children from inadvertently seeing a naked human? Not to mention that when children stay in hotels with their family they have a greater chance of seeing naked mommy and daddy than seeing any porn. Unless of course, naked mommy and daddy are watching a porn.

DON'T DO IT TIMMY!!

School Suspension for Baggy Pants

According to a recent Reuters article students in Tallahassee schools could be suspended for wearing baggy jeans. The bill passed the Florida Senate, but is awaiting its day in the House.

As I read this article it occurred to me that we, as a society, must really be living the utopian dream if the most pressing issue in Florida is school kids expressing themselves by wearing over-sized pants.

I have an idea. How about a bill to mandate 15 year old girls from dressing like Las Vegas call girls.

Orlando Sen. Gary Siplin, who introduced the bill, stated that, "the fashion statement has a back-story -- it was made popular by rap artists after first appearing among prison inmates as a signal they were looking for sex."

This may be true. However, I believe that the "fashion statement" came from African American prison inmates protesting being poorly fed. Not to mention that kids have been wearing baggy pants for over 10 years.

Siplin also said, "All we're trying to do now is trying to inform folks that we have a fad now that does not have a very good origination." And this measure is intended to, "help students get jobs and a degree."

I thought it was the crappy education system that was intended to help students get jobs and a degree. Although, there are a lot of corporate ass kissers who have succeeded in life by dressing like their bosses. Maybe Siplin is on to something. Drop out of school, dress like a banker and bullshit your way into a 6 figure salary.

Sup wit dat?

Drive-Thru on a Horse

Yesterday, while driving through a neighborhood, I debated with my wife, the significance of a horse being ridden down the road in front of us. I claimed that as our society evolves and technology becomes more prevalent, seeing people riding horses in public places will become legend. Our children's children will think it laughable that one would use an animal as transportation. Sure, there will always be cowboys, circuses and zoos to keep the horse culture alive, but the thought of purposely riding a horse will elude most of us.

The day of horses continued. On the drive home, which was 25 miles or so, we saw one of the greatest things ever. In line at the drive-thru liquor and cellphone store was a man on a horse. The fact that this store is uniquely odd, at best, is another story. A man on a horse waiting in a line of cars is a wonderful sight. My wife and I yelled encouragement out the car window as we laughed our asses off. It was truly great.

Zicam Psychedelic Reaction

I recently started working at a new office, and was fortunate enough to get sick on my second day. My wife is usually the sick one, so we have an extensive array of products from odd homeopathic tinctures to the traditional big brand cure-alls.

In an effort to fight my cold I tried Zicam nasal spray. It was my first time using it and I thought, "It's a spray, put it in your nose and inhale." The first 30 seconds brought some relief leading me to believe that Zicam was actually a good product. However, as the next 2-3 minutes passed my head began to tingle, and I started feeling dizzy to the point where I might pass out. The tingle escalated to a full burn as I began contemplating my demise. I ran to the bathroom to try and hackup and washout any residual medicine. A sore formed on the inside of my cheeck. I looked in the mirror and say blue flashes. I thought for sure that I was either going to "break on through to the other side," or fall down and lose consciousness.

I sat down to ride out the storm, and eventually my condition improved. My wife, who is a health care worker, began investigating this reaction. I then came to find out that the magical Zicam is not to be inhaled, but merely misted in the nasal passage only. I suppose that is what you get for not reading the directions.