Burger King Flame - Mystery to Employees

Upon hearing that Burger King would be releasing a fragrance that smelled of meat I immediately knew I needed to buy it. The entertainment value alone would be worth the few dollars. Not to mention the potential mischief that could be had spraying coworkers, or your spouses pillow, or taunting neighborhood dogs. I mean this spray could be magic.

Today, I finally stopped at my nearest Burger King to buy the spray. Being lazy and still half asleep I decided to use the drive through window. The resulting conversation went something like this:

"Hello, welcome to Burger King would you like to upgrade, buy more than you can eat, become obese, etc..."
"Hi, I would like a bottle of meat spray."
"Awwww, sorry what was that?"
"I would like to buy your meat flavored fragrance."
"Sorry sir I have absolutely no idea what you are asking."
"The spray that smells like whoppers. I saw on TV that you were selling a body spray that was meat scented."
"Yes we have whoppers"
"No, I do not want a whopper, I want the whopper meat spray."
[SILENCE]
(my wife "This is freaking hilarious")
"Ok, sorry I guess I was misinformed, sorry to waste your time"
[MORE SILENCE]

We drove off wondering what the hell just happened. Could this all be a holiday marketing scheme intended to drive jackasses like myself to Burger King, possibly. Could this spray that had gained so much media traction, not have trickled down to the average employee; also a possibility. Could this jackass behind the audio communication still be hungover or was this employee not engaged enough to read any press release or listen to any manager briefing? I guess these are all possibilities. The end result is that I have no meat spray. I refuse to scour the web for it or pay 7xs the retail value. Piss off with your meat spray Burger King, and as for that King... "I will get you some day, bastard."

Burger King Spray Causes Cancer

Gnome Statue of Worship in Laveen, AZ (near phoenix)

Occasionally, they let me out of the crate, and I venture out into the world. Over the weekend I spent some time traveling in Phoenix, AZ. On my travels, I came across a worship site centered around a tiny gnome. The Gnome Statue of Worship, actually located in Laveen, AZ was a very interesting find. I was only there for several minutes, but a few dog walkers and lost yard sale scavengers passed by and confirmed that this was a gnome statue. I will let the worship claims up to you.



Find the Gnome Statue

Poo number 2

Grossology Exhibit

Mystery of the Death Dove

Tejiana is the place to go for custard slurpies, Shumwhere Farm Rd is the place for dead doves.

In the late summer of 2005, me and the punk rock couch cushion inherited a marvelous home from the bank and greedy lumber slingers. Of course, this house has several windows facing all directions, and we do not clean them.

After the first incident, we felt bad and buried the victim. Another "thump" and another attempt to dig the proper grave. This was quickly becoming a chore. Later, the funeral was replaced with a grocery bag and a toss in the rubbish can.

Here we are 3 years later. The doves find new windows to mistaken for open air, and I am still finding dead, half wilted carcasses settled into the 1/2 inch granite rock that surrounds this property.

I have considered leaving them for the local cats, birds, and microorganisms to devour. Although, my concern for smell and, well the smell really is my primary concern.

Here in the desert, heat and low humidity are great for preserving the dead doves should we choose to. If you or your friends would be interested in investing in a window-dove preservation, we would probably consider not collecting them with a garden trial into the green plastic transport device. Selah!

Baltimore Aquirium

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Step One of Research - LA - dinoflagellet

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Visiting My Friends at The Mall

While I was visiting the outer region of Toledonaus, my friends had the great idea to go to the local mall and shop for shoes. I thought, "oh, basiltundra that new cell phone from Verizong is out." Gazappy, I really need a new phone. Although, the slip-on loafers that I am wearing are in need of replacement.

Maybe while we are there we can grab a bar stole and sip on several varieties of distilled liquors and hop and barely popsicles. Getting drunk before going to the mall always helps me deal with the donkey trough smell. Most lizards that arrive at a mall to engage in commerce, feed on the soles of the innocent, although innocence is subjective.

If I find one more porcupine I will throw laundry detergent into the water fountain and laugh historically at all the confused observers. In fact, after I buy that new rolex, shove it up my ass and return it, I really do need to check out that wonderful cellular phone from Verizon', that I do not need.

The television made me think that I need to buy something. Last night, it was a cell phone. Today, it was a hamburger and a coke. Come to think of it I have not had to make a buying decision since I got satellite television. Damn, I'm lucky.

For your next trip to the mall



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Happy Birthday - 7h1r7¥

Here is a story about turning 30, with a bottle of rum and a notion of HST.

7h3 07h3r $1Ð3 0ƒ 7h1r7¥

The times have faded. The morning that you wake and realize that you are old, only happens once in a lifetime. To some this day happens at 60, or 25, or never.

Today, I experienced the bite of old age. I went to my cube to accomplish. Based on the hives prerequisite, my role was to produce. The fact that my age had advanced did not factor into this role of production.

My assumption was flawed. Entering the hive at 7:40 am I was greeted by the busy streamers and balloons that said, “You have a birthday.”

“Dear fucking god,” I thought. If only I had emailed HR to alert them to an error in my personal record, I may have avoided this whole mess.

“Oh, you old fuck, don’t be so pessimistic,” were the lackluster words of encouragement that I repeated in my head to overcome the wave of predetermined sentiment that was soon to flow like the bellows of multi-blano.

“Oooooohh, someone has a birthday!”

(Fuck me, I hate that annoying bitch)

“Thank You.” I said

There goes that dude, and that one, all with kind words and birthday wishes. Maybe I should be less harsh. Many people have given the effort to wish me well. Wait a minute you filthy little swine. No one on this fuck pit of a harsh, skin-eating rock would give two fucks if it were not part of corporate monopoly.

Dammit, I have to get out of here. If I see one more fake-ass smile I may grab a hand full of thumb tacs and hang you from the wall.

Off to the liquor store I raced. Grabbed a bottle of the great Zaya rum and headed for home.

This booze is so fine it is like the purest white powder, but in a glass.

Later, after a few calls and the digital banner, I wonder why the hell punk rock is a genre that really has transitioned into pansy fuck. Personified by the idea that, “I have a cunt, I am a man, and I have a mohawk, and a duct tape wallet.”

When did punk become corporate fuck pop? Why do I have to be subjected to this shit?

Happy Birthday, you old fuck. In about 30 years you’ll be dead. Relish the last remaining years. Drink up! Alcohol destroys your liver. It is not a myth.

Grab that new seat on the bus that goes to your demise. Good luck, no fuck you, there is no luck.

Hunter Interview

Glowing Dinoflagellate: Watch the Beach Glow

The staff of Cook The Moon will be conducting research on glowing dinoflagellate on the Hatteras Island National Seashore in mid June. The phenomenon of glow-in-the-dark sand is something that intrigues us.

A simple google search reveals very little information on glowing sand or dinoflagellate. It is fascinating that something so interesting would have little presence on the web. So, it is my duty, as one who thirsts for knowledge, to travel great lengths and capture this great glowing sand on an array of media. Stay tuned for more pictures and a full report (provided that my assistant does not go into candy shock and drop the camera in the ocean,... again).

Marriott Pressured to Remove Adult Movies

In the news this week a few conservative groups including American Family Association have pressured Marriott International to stop offering access to pay-per-view adult content in their hotels. The AP broke the story which was picked up by a few media outlets including Yahoo Finance News.

Not to mention that the American Family Association appear to be a bunch of fanatical right-winged fundamentalists. I personally may need to remind them that America is the land of the free(at least in theory). Where every citizen has the right to watch filthy slut flix, practice any religion, and be gay.

Why Marriott? According to the source,"Marriott was told that stopping porn movies would be in keeping with the corporation's position of promoting the well-being of children and families." I would have to argue that late night porn sessions by consenting adults is in line with promoting families. Thousands of children have probably been conceived at Marriott hotels over the years, and if that is not in line with the well being of families, I do not know what is.

Also, the last time I checked, pay-per-view adult movies were shielded from children with several layers of access codes and engagement approvals before any soft-core porn could be viewed. Is that not to protect children from inadvertently seeing a naked human? Not to mention that when children stay in hotels with their family they have a greater chance of seeing naked mommy and daddy than seeing any porn. Unless of course, naked mommy and daddy are watching a porn.

DON'T DO IT TIMMY!!

School Suspension for Baggy Pants

According to a recent Reuters article students in Tallahassee schools could be suspended for wearing baggy jeans. The bill passed the Florida Senate, but is awaiting its day in the House.

As I read this article it occurred to me that we, as a society, must really be living the utopian dream if the most pressing issue in Florida is school kids expressing themselves by wearing over-sized pants.

I have an idea. How about a bill to mandate 15 year old girls from dressing like Las Vegas call girls.

Orlando Sen. Gary Siplin, who introduced the bill, stated that, "the fashion statement has a back-story -- it was made popular by rap artists after first appearing among prison inmates as a signal they were looking for sex."

This may be true. However, I believe that the "fashion statement" came from African American prison inmates protesting being poorly fed. Not to mention that kids have been wearing baggy pants for over 10 years.

Siplin also said, "All we're trying to do now is trying to inform folks that we have a fad now that does not have a very good origination." And this measure is intended to, "help students get jobs and a degree."

I thought it was the crappy education system that was intended to help students get jobs and a degree. Although, there are a lot of corporate ass kissers who have succeeded in life by dressing like their bosses. Maybe Siplin is on to something. Drop out of school, dress like a banker and bullshit your way into a 6 figure salary.

Sup wit dat?

Drive-Thru on a Horse

Yesterday, while driving through a neighborhood, I debated with my wife, the significance of a horse being ridden down the road in front of us. I claimed that as our society evolves and technology becomes more prevalent, seeing people riding horses in public places will become legend. Our children's children will think it laughable that one would use an animal as transportation. Sure, there will always be cowboys, circuses and zoos to keep the horse culture alive, but the thought of purposely riding a horse will elude most of us.

The day of horses continued. On the drive home, which was 25 miles or so, we saw one of the greatest things ever. In line at the drive-thru liquor and cellphone store was a man on a horse. The fact that this store is uniquely odd, at best, is another story. A man on a horse waiting in a line of cars is a wonderful sight. My wife and I yelled encouragement out the car window as we laughed our asses off. It was truly great.

Zicam Psychedelic Reaction

I recently started working at a new office, and was fortunate enough to get sick on my second day. My wife is usually the sick one, so we have an extensive array of products from odd homeopathic tinctures to the traditional big brand cure-alls.

In an effort to fight my cold I tried Zicam nasal spray. It was my first time using it and I thought, "It's a spray, put it in your nose and inhale." The first 30 seconds brought some relief leading me to believe that Zicam was actually a good product. However, as the next 2-3 minutes passed my head began to tingle, and I started feeling dizzy to the point where I might pass out. The tingle escalated to a full burn as I began contemplating my demise. I ran to the bathroom to try and hackup and washout any residual medicine. A sore formed on the inside of my cheeck. I looked in the mirror and say blue flashes. I thought for sure that I was either going to "break on through to the other side," or fall down and lose consciousness.

I sat down to ride out the storm, and eventually my condition improved. My wife, who is a health care worker, began investigating this reaction. I then came to find out that the magical Zicam is not to be inhaled, but merely misted in the nasal passage only. I suppose that is what you get for not reading the directions.

Germans Can Now Fly Nude

This according to a news article by AFP regarding naked air travel to fill the void of a popular East German naturist holiday. It seems that under communist rule, East Germans would excitedly spend a holiday naked. An airline is trying to capitalize on this by offering a naked flight on July 5, 2008.

Apparently, I have been living under a rock. Public education has failed me once again, or maybe it was the shenanigans of my youth that overwrote that memory. Either way, I am both intrigued and scared by this. Intrigued by the fact that communist controlled East Germany celebrated a nude holiday, and scared because, "Is there an age limit on this flight?" This is definitely one for the imagination.

Writers' Strike = Viewers' Strike

The writers strike has finally angered me. At first I thought it was great, "yeah, stick it to the studio." Now, as a television viewer, I am getting tired of re-run city. Usually, I am the first to advocate turning off the TV. I drone on to my wife, "Lets play some video games, or watch a movie or fucking sit and stare at a blank television screen like some avant garde experiment." However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that without viewers like you and me, neither the studio nor the writers would have a job.

So, I propose that we as viewers strike from watching television. This is a great opportunity for Americans to speak up. If the writers' union has power to negotiate a better financial deal, we as viewers have power to change television content, crap-vertising, billing, etc... We are the ones paying to watch old content. Why not cut the cable and use your money to purchase the DVD season of your favorite shows. I personally pay over $100 bones a month for the latest and greatest that satellite has to offer. Over the course of 2 or 3 months I could invest in various content and create my own television programming and avoid being subjected to another f**king pharmaceutical ad that claims to finally fix my aliment at the cost of anal leakage, dry mouth, and mild hysteria.

CUT THE CABLE!!!!!!!!!(shacking fist in air)

Do Not Call List, That's What You Think

When the DNC was created several years ago I was in the middle of completing my marketing degree. I personally felt that it was the answer to everyone's near harassment level of telemarketing spam. Prior to the list, I would receive anywhere from 3-5 "unavailable" calls per night. It was annoying to say the least and led to my telephone aversion. In fact, now when my phone rings I overlook it as if some sort of background noise.

I am here to tell you that this Do Not Call List is barely adequate at preventing solicitation. There are many loop-holes (go figure) that allow telemarketers to call you even if you are on the DNC. I learned while working at a market research firm that random dialing machines are exempt from the DNC. This means that if your number is on the DNC and bought by a third party as part of thousands of telephone numbers, inserted into a database, and dialed randomly, that you can be called.

Also, if you sign up for something like a magazine subscription or have service done to your A/C unit then an affiliate of that organization can distibute your number to a sales lead department to call and sell you more magazines or A/C filters or warranty services.

So, today I stumbled on a link reminding people of the Do Not Call List. I felt that it may be important to remind readers that the list is more like a Mostly Do Not Call List.

MP3 Taser.......um What?

via Arizona Republic

Whether it is the weirdest product featured at this years CES or the latest weapon marketed to women (like a pink 9 mm), the new Taser MPH is hilarious, but I am not sure if it sends the right message.

The idea that a fashion accessory could help protect you is good. Listening to the latest "Boom-Boom Nasty" remix when you should be alert to potential dangers is bad. In fact, worst case scenario is an assailant uses your Taser on you. Thusly, producing that truly euphoric GHB club experience.

So I ask you, "Is Taser International promoting the recreational use of Tasers, or are they condoning arming every citizen?"

Either way I envision a future where people get off on casual electrocution, kids chase down transients in the park and retail stores become the front line of the Nu:American War (quick dive behind the lipstick display there is a family of 4 ahead of us in line).

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Fiesta Bowl Hooligans

Yesterday, I went to the Fiesta Bowl. Growing up in Western PA had made me a fan of WVU and it was exciting to see the win. What was not fun were the 780 drunk morons around me. I have been to many Steeler games, but this was my first college experience. Maybe I failed to reach the drunk plateau of my fellow fan, but this crowd was rowdy.

As the exchange of insults flowed, ranging from "Go Home-ineers" to "You Bastards lost that one bowl game in 1987." Eventually tempers mounted and security got involved. In my section alone at least 6 people were removed from the game. Some threw cups at each other, some were plotting that ever famous after the game sneak attack, yet there I sat wondering what sort of weaponry I could have smuggled in to neutralize both parties. A taser gun maybe, or 30 canned air horns (IDK).

I could not stop thinking how funny it was. Pay $120 for a ticket, $50 for a parking pass and drive 20 hours from Oklahoma to Phoenix and get thrown out of the game in the 2nd quarter for believing the drunk football fallacy that you can influence the games results by beating the hell out of another fan.

My favorite incident occurred toward the end when a large farm boy from Oklahoma (we'll call him Jumbo), who after hours of grunting football chants to that one other obliterated fan 17 rows behind us, got mixed up in the isle with a passing fan. This particular fan was a skinny little emo kid wearing a pretty white hoody and white hat with matching graffiti pattern on them. He seemed to think that repeating the statement, "Now you a tough guy," to Jumbo was a good idea. Well, Jumbo had his way. Up over two seats like Jack Flash and the jackal had its prey. Lucky for whitey that several fans and Jumbos father broke it up (security then thought they should both leave).

Here is my advice for attending bowl games.

Go staggering or go heavy... or maybe just some ear plugs