MP3 Taser.......um What?

via Arizona Republic

Whether it is the weirdest product featured at this years CES or the latest weapon marketed to women (like a pink 9 mm), the new Taser MPH is hilarious, but I am not sure if it sends the right message.

The idea that a fashion accessory could help protect you is good. Listening to the latest "Boom-Boom Nasty" remix when you should be alert to potential dangers is bad. In fact, worst case scenario is an assailant uses your Taser on you. Thusly, producing that truly euphoric GHB club experience.

So I ask you, "Is Taser International promoting the recreational use of Tasers, or are they condoning arming every citizen?"

Either way I envision a future where people get off on casual electrocution, kids chase down transients in the park and retail stores become the front line of the Nu:American War (quick dive behind the lipstick display there is a family of 4 ahead of us in line).

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Fiesta Bowl Hooligans

Yesterday, I went to the Fiesta Bowl. Growing up in Western PA had made me a fan of WVU and it was exciting to see the win. What was not fun were the 780 drunk morons around me. I have been to many Steeler games, but this was my first college experience. Maybe I failed to reach the drunk plateau of my fellow fan, but this crowd was rowdy.

As the exchange of insults flowed, ranging from "Go Home-ineers" to "You Bastards lost that one bowl game in 1987." Eventually tempers mounted and security got involved. In my section alone at least 6 people were removed from the game. Some threw cups at each other, some were plotting that ever famous after the game sneak attack, yet there I sat wondering what sort of weaponry I could have smuggled in to neutralize both parties. A taser gun maybe, or 30 canned air horns (IDK).

I could not stop thinking how funny it was. Pay $120 for a ticket, $50 for a parking pass and drive 20 hours from Oklahoma to Phoenix and get thrown out of the game in the 2nd quarter for believing the drunk football fallacy that you can influence the games results by beating the hell out of another fan.

My favorite incident occurred toward the end when a large farm boy from Oklahoma (we'll call him Jumbo), who after hours of grunting football chants to that one other obliterated fan 17 rows behind us, got mixed up in the isle with a passing fan. This particular fan was a skinny little emo kid wearing a pretty white hoody and white hat with matching graffiti pattern on them. He seemed to think that repeating the statement, "Now you a tough guy," to Jumbo was a good idea. Well, Jumbo had his way. Up over two seats like Jack Flash and the jackal had its prey. Lucky for whitey that several fans and Jumbos father broke it up (security then thought they should both leave).

Here is my advice for attending bowl games.

Go staggering or go heavy... or maybe just some ear plugs

Best Costco Trip Every (almost)

Everyone has a junk drawer or bag of forgotten about mail foraged away in some closet (right?). This story may be more about my inabilities to handle meaningless tasks or procrastination, but the end result was an exciting trip to Costco.

As an (ooh-lala) Executive Member of the shopping establishment 2% of your purchases are returned to you in the form of a Rewards Gift Certificate. For nearly 3 years these cash back incentives have been sent to me and placed in a drawer for later use. Later seemed to have never come and these certificates have gotten misplaced and faded from memory.

On a quest to clean out a box of "shreadables" I came across one of the certificates. Then realizing that there were several more hidden from my mind I eventually located them in various draws and bags around the house.

Later, I raced to the Costco, bought crap and was rewarded for my procrastination in the form of having cash handed to me for spending less than the certificates values. It was great.... I will relish in it for some more time.... Yay!!! Went to Costco and left with money :)

Funny Sign

Every once in a while you come across these little gems. This comes from Flagstaff, AZ next to a hotel.....

Engineer Your Environment

There are many life hacking, self-help concepts that float around the internet. I dreamed this up the other day, but I doubt it is a unique idea. None the less....

Throughout our lives we are subjected to mind dulling painful experiences that we would rather avoid. It might be standing in line at the local BuyCrap Mart, or spending an agonizing evening with the in-laws. The idea of Engineering Your Environment would involve avoiding the painful things in life by rearranging the event. Simply find a solution that is both acceptable to fulfill your goals as well as the potential reason for engaging in the unwanted experience. Example #1, you hate standing in lines, solution: buy on-line or enlist the help of a friend. Example# 2, you hate going to the in-laws house for long dinners, solution: show up before dinner and leave early, run an errand vacation, "Oh I'll be right back I have to...(find the local pub)," or involve yourself in distraction tasks before getting consumed with misery like fixing that leaky faucet or walking the over-weight dog.

This holiday season will be the perfect chance to practice Engineering Your Environment

-be flexible by reacting to the situation
-be creative, seize the opportunity
-be prepared, don't forget tools

Good Luck!

possible survival kit

Random Christmas Thought

To me Christmas becomes more of a hassle each year. And each year I bitch about consumerism, materialism, failing U.S. fiscal policy being supported by greed and anything else that I can blame on Christmas (Yes, a Scrooge-like anger is central to my being).

This year is no different. In November, my wife and I decided that wasting money buying crappy trinkets is pointless, and that the meaning of December 25th is no longer about family or religion or cookies, but money. We as consumers, friends, family, coworkers, etc... have been conditioned to jump into the air and buy anything during the winter shopping season. Many of us fear that plaque of judgment that will be cast on us for not buying the most expensive or desirable gift. We run around in a panic, sitting in traffic, waiting in line, hoping that we can grab the lasted and greatest before our fellow man.

I do have a point here; it is our social conditioning. As I mentioned, this Christmas was supposed to be the one where no one received anything but a kind smile and a 15 second lecture on why Christmas is the devil. However, its grasp is too deep. As the day gets closer and more stories are related about friends buying, and children crying, my wife and I slowly cave to the pressure. "Oh, what about little Taco and Siouxsie? "They are kids and have a belief in Christmas that fuels their fantasy." "Dammit," I thought because this point is valid.

Here I sit complaining about Christmas and feeling the pressure to produce much like an awkward teenage love fest in the back of a mini van.

So I say to you all, "Go out and buy everything, and work 200 hrs of overtime to pay off that credit card, Yeah, it will be merry in June too!"

Blah!

Hey Ho..., or Yo Ho, or um,... Ho, Ho, Ho!

It is official, Santa Claus, Ol' Jolly Kris Kringle, can no longer say "Ho, Ho, Ho." Apparently, "Ho" is too similar to "Hoe" and could be poorly interpreted by women.

Next we will be calling ducks, little swimmy things, and asses, donkeys (oh wait we already do that). Maybe now the tiny hit in baseball will no longer be called a bunt. Nope, that is too close to you know, "c" um well, "u" ahhh, "n"t, or something that starts with "c" and rhythms with hunt.

As a matter of fact, any word that can be loosely associated with, related to, is synonymous with, can be rearranged in any format to represent, sound like, or infer meaning of a possibly offensive word should be replaced with "aaaaahhhhhh", or "ugh." Let's take it back to the stone age where we grunt and throw things to express ourselves. And anyone who is offended gets waked over the FU*KING head.

View the article at Reuters